


you're not the one

by raine_go_away



Series: original works [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hockey, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Asexual Character, College, F/M, M/M, Therapy, rivals to enemies to lovers?, tbh i'm not even sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 20:39:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9675239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raine_go_away/pseuds/raine_go_away
Summary: Adam was so used to his mother’s calculating gaze hot on his skin all of the time that he didn’t think much of it, especially not now. But she was more focused than usual, and he just frowned at her from across the kitchen as he packed his bag for practice.“What?” he snapped and his eyebrows quickly furrowed together. She didn’t flinch though. She was too used to the anger that seeped into his voice.“Your name came in,” she said coolly. He froze, his fingers curling over his wrist instinctively. Of course she would notice it before he did. He expected nothing less.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theholidayclub](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theholidayclub/gifts).



> this is just mostly self-indulgent for a ship elle and i have so yeah! there's probably some issues with draft/ncaa eligibility so that requires some hand waving. but yeah!
> 
> anything that is said in a different language is just italicized so you know they're speaking in a different language without me having to google translate some shit alright? alright

Adam was so used to his mother’s calculating gaze hot on his skin all of the time that he didn’t think much of it, especially not now. But she was more focused than usual, and he just frowned at her from across the kitchen as he packed his bag for practice.

 

“ _What_?” he snapped and his eyebrows quickly furrowed together. She didn’t flinch though. She was too used to the anger that seeped into his voice.

 

“ _Your name came in_ ,” she said coolly. He froze, his fingers curling over his wrist instinctively. Of course she would notice it before he did. He expected nothing less.

 

His eyes didn’t leave her face though, his shoulders tensed up as she crossed the room.

 

“ _Let me see_ ,” she instructed, and he pulled his wrist to his chest. She frowned at him, but he knew she was just as excited about it as he was. But god, he was nervous. She held her hand out, quirking her eyebrow up as she waited impatiently.

 

“ _I want to look at it first_ ,” he said defensively. She just nodded at that and waited in front of him.

 

He drew in a shaky breath and slowly uncovered his wrist while shielding it away from her prying eyes. She’s already seen Blazej’s and Erik’s. She huffed with disappointment when she read ‘Faye’ on Blazej’s wrist, grumbling about how she must be an American.

 

Erik’s was approved. Their mother happily said Natalia over and over for the rest of the day, beaming at the idea of another Eastern European in the family.

 

“ _She could be American or Canadian too, it’s not exactly an uncommon name_ ,” Adam had pointed out at the time, which only earned him a scowl.

 

But in this moment, when he stared at his wrist, he couldn’t even fathom what her reaction would be.

 

**Benjamin.**

 

It stared back at him in small, clean uniform letters. It burned itself into the back of Adam’s eyelids to the point where he blinked he could still see the name flashing in his eyes.

 

His mother must have been able to read his reaction from the frown on her lips. Her touch was tentative and gentle as she carefully took Adam’s wrist into her hands. She turned his wrist over slowly so she could see the name, and even she froze.

 

Adam flinched when her eyes landed on the name, and he half expected her to drop his arm with disgust.

 

“ _Why didn’t you tell me_?” she almost demanded, but her voice was soft.

 

“ _What_?”

“ _Why didn’t you tell me you liked boys?”_

 

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It brought a strange sense of relief into his stomach that churned uneasily. He swallowed thickly.

 

“ _Mama_ ,” he started but almost immediately froze up. “ _Mama_ ,” he tried again, voice smaller. “ _I didn’t know that I liked anyone_.”

 

She looked up at him, but didn’t say anything. She reached up to pat his cheek comfortingly, smiling at him warmly. Her finger wiped at his cheek, wiped away tears that he didn’t realize he had falling down his cheeks.

 

“ _It’s a strong name. I look forward to meeting him_.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Not much changed after his name came in. His mother had dug around the house to find him the guard that his father used to wear during college, and he wore it without much of a fight.

 

Part of him felt guilty though, he didn’t want his Benjamin thinking that he was ashamed of him. Because that wasn’t true. He just didn’t want to share Benjamin with anyone else.

 

(Besides his brothers, of course. The moment they found out his name came in, they whooped in celebration and pulled him into a headlock.

 

“ _There’s a Benjamin in my homeroom_ ,” Blazej said excitedly. But Adam shook his head.

 

“ _I’ve met him. I didn’t feel anything.”)_

 

The world had continued to spin. Adam continued to play hockey, and when the time came, he and his brothers moved in with their billet family when they were drafted into the Q.

 

The worst part about the Q for Adam was leaving their mom behind. But he knew the worst part for Blazej was leaving Faye behind.

 

They stood in the airport for a long time, Blazej’s hands cupped her cheeks and he pressed his forehead against hers. Adam could see his lips moving, could see the glassy reflection in Faye’s eyes.

 

He was grateful he hadn’t met Benjamin yet, he knew he couldn’t bear to do that, couldn’t bear to leave him behind. Even though he obviously hadn’t found his Benjamin quite yet, he was fairly certain he already loved him.

 

There were days when his anger burned through his veins and his breathed turned ragged, but when his eyes traced over the letters carefully, he was able to calm down. He had to stay out of trouble for Benjamin, because he definitely wouldn’t find him if he was grounded.

 

* * *

 

The Hrabovsky brothers weren’t allowed to go directly from the Q to the NHL, their mother forbade it with her arms crossed and a wooden spoon in her hand when Erik brought it up when they were back home.

 

“ _Your father and I did not leave the Soviet Union for you three to not get an education_ ,” she said slowly with a dangerous edge to her voice. Their father only made a hum of agreement from behind his newspaper.

 

They all quickly nodded and knew that any anxieties they may have had about the Draft didn’t even matter now. They also quickly learned that they had to take an SAT as soon as possible in order to respond to the University coaches that began to contact them.

 

In the end, Blaizej chose to stay in Canada in order to stay with Faye and Erik chose Brown. It took him some time and some quick trips with his father, but Adam eventually chose Boston University.

 

(“ _Why didn’t you choose Brown with me?”_

 

“ _Because it felt pretentious there.”_

 

“ _Fuck you_.”)

 

When Adam hit the ice for the first time with the team, everything just clicked and it felt insanely good. It was strange playing without any of his brothers on the ice, and god, he couldn’t even imagine having to play against Erik yet, but he focused on the moment. As great as it was, it didn’t make up the fact that Adam had Benji Joshi on his team now.

 

(He had distinct memories of Joshi checking Erik a little too hard during a game in the Q, and he remembers punching him. And now, Joshi was on his team.)

 

There are a lot of things that Adam hated about Benji. For one, he hated how Benji acted like he was some godforsaken gift to the team. Sure, he was a great player and he should have gone first in the Draft, but he needed to keep his head down and stay humble.

 

Also, Adam hated him just based off of principle. Benji came from a legacy, from an obscene amount of wealth, and it made Adam’s teeth grind. He didn’t have to work half has hard as Adam or his brothers did.

 

He didn’t have the language barriers like they did. He didn’t have to work two jobs while he played in the Q just to pay for his gear like they did.

 

Sure, it was petty for Adam to just hate Benji because of his money, but it was enough for his blood to feel like it was boiling whenever he was around.

 

 

* * *

 

They’re all sitting in the library one day when Adam reads Nicky’s name quietly under his breath, just whispering, “Katelyn.”

 

The defenseman’s cheeks flushed darkly as he scribbled away in a notebook, and Adam felt like he wasn’t even doing any work.

 

“Have you met her?” he asked quietly, his eyes flickering over to Joshi who had tensed up as he typed into his laptop.

 

“No,” Nicky admitted sheepishly. “But I feel like I’m close, you know? Do you guys know any Katelyns spelled like this?” and his voice sounded nearly exasperated. Adam smiled a little bit sadly as he shook his head. He could imagine Nicky getting his hopes up every time he met a Caitlyn or Kaitlin and getting frustrated when the spelling was all wrong.

 

“I do.”

 

Nicky and Adam’s gaze snapped over to Joshi who didn’t even meet their gaze.

 

“Shit, really Bender?” Nicky breathed out, his eyes completely blown wide at the idea of it all.

 

“Yeah,” he said. “She’s my girlfriend.”

 

And he closed his laptop with a click, shoved it into his backpack, and left. Just left Adam with Nicky, whose face started to crumble. But he bit his lip and got back to work as Adam just watched speechlessly.

 

“Nicky, he’s a fucking asshole,” Adam said, his voice going tight, and there was a pain in his chest as he watched Joshi push open the library’s doors.

 

“It’s alright. I’ll find my Katelyn eventually,” he said, his voice quiet and almost watery. “Fate and all that bullshit.”

 

* * *

 

 

Their freshman year went by without a hitch. Adam aced his Russian Literature class but still couldn’t understand sarcasm in English. Joshi still had a stick up his ass.

 

The best part of their year was obviously making it to the Frozen Four.

 

The worst part of their year was tied with losing in the Frozen Four and when Joshi brought his girlfriend to the hockey team’s holiday party. Adam could just feel Nicky inhaling deeply when she walked into the house with snow in her hair and Joshi taking her coat for her.

 

“Is that Katelyn?” Nicky had asked him in a low whisper.

 

Adam shrugged.

 

“I guess so,” and threw back the rest of his beer. He listened to Nicky let out a string of quiet curses to which he only raised an eyebrow.

 

“Bro, I think my soulmate is Bender’s girlfriend.” And Adam didn’t know how to reply to that.

 

“Sucks,” was all he muttered, but he didn’t leave Nicky’s side for the rest of the night.

 

They ran into her in the kitchen on accident. They were grabbing some more beers, and she had been looking for something. Adam’s gaze flickered to Nicky, who was just staring at her with pure wonder written all over his face.

 

So, Adam cleared his throat.

 

“You Katelyn?” he asked. She practically jumped in response, her eyes wide and her hand over her heart as her gaze snapped up to his face. And god, she was short.

 

“I prefer Kate,” she said in this soft, sweet voice. “And you are…?”

 

“Adam,” he supplied lazily. He watched as she blinked a bit in his direction before smiling at him brightly.

 

“Nice to meet you,” and she turned her attention Nicky. “And you are?”

 

Adam elbowed him.

 

“Nicky,” he managed finally, his eyes going wide again. “Nicholas, Nicky. Yeah, hi, nice to meet you.”

 

Kate’s eyes slowly widened as she stood there in front of them, her gaze locked on Nicky. And Nicky only stared right back.

 

“Nice… nice to meet you too,” she whispered, her eyes not leaving his. But she finally shook her head and tore her gaze away and managed a shy smile for them. “I’m going to go find Benji. It was nice to meet you both,” and with that, she was gone.

 

Adam leaned against the kitchen counter, mindlessly pouring them both a shot while Nicky continued to stand there in shock.

 

“I just met my Katelyn.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“And she’s Bender’s girlfriend.

 

“And you have pink hair.”

 

“First off, fuck you, I look great with pink hair and second—“

 

* * *

 

On the first morning of living in the team’s frat house his sophomore year, he was woken up by an incessant hand on his shoulder. He groaned and tried to roll over onto his stomach, but the hand stopped him.

 

He blinked his eyes open and they focused on a blurry looking Joshi.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me,” he yawned out, pushing himself to sit up and run his hand through his hair.

 

“C’mon, we’re going on a run,” Joshi practically ordered, and that was enough to wake Adam up. His eyes quickly narrowed and a quick anger burned itself to life in his veins.

 

“No,” he growled back.

 

“You’ll thank me during season. Now get your ass out of bed, we’re going on a run.”

 

Adam grumpily let out a string of curses in Czech as he dragged himself out of bed and threw on some running clothes. During the run, Adam purposely increased his speed each mile. Running had never bothered him, but watching Joshi occasionally huff out in annoyance at the change in pace made it all worth it.

 

Morning runs became a thing that year. And even though Adam grew to expect them, he never got himself out of bed, because if Joshi wanted to train with him so badly, he’d have to work for it.

 

They developed a strange sort of friendship at that point. It was silent though, a silent understanding of each other.

 

When they did talk, it was a lot of banter with less venom behind the words than last year.

 

(“Kiss my ass, Joshi!” “I’d rather kiss the ice.”)

 

(“Bro, you look like shit.” “Not all of us had model mothers dressing us, eh?”)

 

(“You’re my _best friend_.” “What the actual fuck.” “It’s sarcasm you dick.”)

 

Their captain was just happy that they were talking, even if it’s just to chirp each other more than half the time. On the ice, they could connect passes without looking and if preseason was anything to go by, they could win the Frozen Four.

 

That is, until Adam wrote up a shopping list for the house and posted it on the fridge. He stopped by the next morning to see something wrote “NO ONE ELSE WANTS DAMN BEETS ADAM.”

 

He scrawls back, “FUCK YOU.”

 

After that, something changed as season rolled in. The conversations he had with Benji were now icy, and there was an edge to Benji’s words that he couldn’t identify.

 

Benji had even stopped waking Adam up for runs at a certain point. One day, Adam woke himself up at noon and he just sat there in confusion. He went downstairs in just his pajama pants and found Benji working at the kitchen table, his hair already practically dry from the shower he always took the moment they got back.

 

“You didn’t wake me up,” Adam said, and it felt dumb and lame.

 

Benji didn’t even look up.

 

“I figured you didn’t want to go.”

 

That only brought a wave of confusion over Adam, and his mouth went dry as he stared at Benji who still didn’t look up from his damn laptop.

 

Adam wanted to say that he hadn’t wanted to go for the first two months that they ran, and that he didn’t even really enjoy it. But he still liked running with him even though he always acted like it was the worst thing in the world.

 

But Adam couldn’t get it out.

 

“Whatever,” he threw out in a grumble and stormed upstairs.

 

They didn’t run together anymore after that. Their arguments became more volatile and usually ended with them seething in each other’s faces. Even their captain noticed and he pulled them aside one day.

 

“I don’t know what happened to you guys. Preseason you were on your game, and it looked great. So I need you guys to figure it out again.”

 

They didn’t talk about it though. It was like their freshman year again, where they existed in the same universe but in different orbits. They didn’t speak on the ice either, and their passes were risky at best. But they made it work.

 

* * *

 

That year, they made it to the finals in Frozen Four just to lose it to Cornell of all schools. When they made their way back into the locker room, Adam stripped his bucket off just to spike it on floor in the center of the room out of anger.

 

He was just so mad, absolutely fuming as he changed in front of his cubby. Most of the team had cleared out by the time he noticed Benji approaching him.

 

“You should have had that pass,” Benji spat and Adam felt frozen.

 

“Are you serious?” This couldn’t be happening. Adam let out this hollow laugh. “You know what? Fuck you. I don’t need you of all people criticizing my game.”

 

But Benji didn’t drop it.

 

“If you had that pass, we could have won.”

 

“If you had stopped those last two shots, we could have won,” he shot back, the venom dripping from his voice. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

Benji just snorted and sat down to pack up his bag at his cubby, but Adam wasn’t done yet.

 

“No, I’m serious, what the fuck is your problem?” he sneered. “You act like you’re so much better than us, but this loss is just as much your fault as it is mine. And don’t get me started on the Kate thing—“

 

“Don’t you dare bring Kate into this,” Benji growled, suddenly jumping up to be in front of Adam. But Adam’s eyes just narrowed.

 

“But you’re being the world’s greatest asshole about it! She’s Nicky’s fucking soulmate, and you know that, but you’re still… dating her!” Because what type of person was Benji to just date his friend’s soulmate? “He’s your goddamn d partner!”

 

“She deserves better.”

 

“Are you fucking serious? Nicky is a way better person than you.”

 

“He doesn’t deserve her.”

 

“You don’t deserve her!” Adam shouted in frustration, his hand going through his hair and tugging on it roughly. “I bet your name isn’t even hers, because that’s the type of asshole you are.”

 

And with that, Adam grabbed his bag and stormed out of there.

 

He didn’t speak to Benji for the rest of the year.

 

* * *

 

Junior year went by in silence. He and Benji still didn’t speak, but they connected their passes better than they did last year. They made it to the Frozen Four again, and they lose it again.

 Adam couldn’t even bring himself to care.

 

After the game is over, he read an article about Benjamin Joshi. About how Benjamin Joshi was responsible for the Terriers’ success these past few seasons, and how after he graduates he’ll be hunted down by nearly every NHL team.

 

It just made him wonder, even for a split second if maybe, just maybe…

 

But he shakes the thought out of his mind. His Benjamin wouldn’t treat him like this, wouldn’t hate him, wouldn’t fight with him.

 

It’s just a coincidence.

 

* * *

 

One day during his senior year, Kate was over at the house to study from some of Benji’s notes. Adam was sitting with her at the kitchen table, just working on writing his thesis.

 

“Why are you dating him?” he asked suddenly, and he watched as Kate looked up at him with an alarmed look on her face.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Why are you dating him,” he repeated, slower this time even though part of him figured she wasn’t asking that because she didn’t understand. “He’s an asshole, and I’m pretty sure he’s not your soulmate.”

 

Kate’s cheeks flushed a deep red that Adam guessed wasn’t from embarrassment, but from anger.

 

“We’re not… we’re not really dating. He’s, uh, he’s just my best friend,” she said slowly, as she started to type again.

 

“What about Nicky?”

 

And he knew that hit a nerve from the way she flinched. He had seen them together, talking to each other awkwardly whenever she was over, but they both had this brightness to them when they were in the same room. She had to have noticed that.

 

“I’m just… not ready yet,” she sighed, carding her fingers through her long brown hair as she looked up at Adam with a defeated look on her face. “I want to finish school first, that was my plan all along.”

 

He understood that. That was valid, and it made more sense. Adam made a mental note in his head to tell Nicky later, so maybe his friend could have some more understanding and more patience and less anxiety and sadness settled in his chest all the time.

 

He just nodded and saw the faint smile on her lips. His eyes flickered down onto the notebook to her side though, and froze.

 

All air fled from his lungs almost instantly, and he just couldn’t breathe like he couldn’t some nights where he crouched against his door and choked on tears. Because he knew those letters, he knew them.

 

He reached across the table to take the notebook from her, but his movements were slow. With wide eyes he scanned over the page.

 

 “Are these…?” and he can’t even finish. But Kate does.

 

“Benji’s,” she said softly, and his eyes flash to hers when he hears the name. That’s when he sees a sort of sadness in her eyes and he doesn’t understand.

 

“You knew?” His voice felt impossibly small, and she mustered up the smallest smile for him as she slowly nodded.

 

“From the first time I met you.”

 

They were best friends. She would have known Benji’s name and he must have known. But then suddenly, a wave of realization washed over him.

 

“Does he know?” he asked. And he hated the way she just looked at him with these soft, brown eyes that gleamed with pity as she slowly nodded.

 

Adam got up from the table suddenly and slammed his computer closed. He didn’t know what he wanted to do other than get out of there because he still couldn’t breathe.

 

So he ran out of the house, and he just ran until his head felt dizzy and he had to crouch down on the sidewalk to try to get oxygen back into his lungs with ragged breaths.

 

 

* * *

 

He didn’t know how long he was out, but he knows he missed evening practice, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He made his way back to the house when the sun set.

 

When he slammed the door behind him as he came back in, one of the freshmen, Devon, practically jumped from his spot on the couch where he watched Rory and Nicky play some video game.

 

“Where’ve you been?” and the concern in Devon’s voice was endearing, but Adam couldn’t bring himself to even care.

 

“Dude, you look like shit,” Rory announced after looking over his shoulder. Adam should have known that. His eyes felt glazed over, and he knew they were bloodshot too.

 

“Where’s Benji?” he rasped out.

 

“Upstairs in his room, I guess,” Devon said with uncertainty. “Why?” But Adam was already on his way up the stairs.

 

When he reached the door, he didn’t even bother to knock, just threw it up and slammed it behind him. Benji was at his desk, on his computer, but he turned around so quickly that Adam hoped he got whiplash.

 

“What the fuck?” Benji spat out, but Adam ignored it.

 

“How long have you known?” he said slowly, his voice so close to a growl at this point as he stared at Benji. Part of his chest hurt, from just looking at him.

 

“Known what?” he countered. And Adam turned around to face the wall and slam his fist into it.

 

“Don’t fucking fuck with me right now!” He shouted.

 

He hated this. Hated that Benji was still avoiding him.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he watched Benji say slowly, his eyes going dark. His voice was icy and Adam had enough. He reached down and violently pulled his guard off before he crossed the room and thrust his wrist in front of Benji’s eyes.

 

“How long have you known,” he said again, his voice low. He watched as Benji’s eyes stared up at him before looking at Adam’s wrist. There was no surprise in his eyes, no reaction when he saw his own handwriting on Adam’s skin.

 

Benji was silent for what felt like eternity, just looking at his name.

 

When he finally said something, Adam wished he hadn’t.

 

“Sophomore year.”

 

It feels like a punch, and unlike all of the punches that he’s earned on the ice, it makes Adam stagger back away from Benji.

 

“Two years?” he whispered out, hating how pathetic he sounded. “And… and you didn’t tell me?”

 

Benji got up from his spot at his desk, his hand dragging through his hair in exasperation when he said, “It’s better this way.”

 

Adam couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and he cradled his wrist back to his chest and looked at Benji in pure horror. “You hid this from me,” he rasped out.

 

“I did this for us,” Benji spat back, something burned brightly in his eyes. Adam took another step back, another step away from him.

 

“What?”

 

Benji let out a loud sigh and turned away from Adam ever so slightly. He couldn’t even look at Adam, and Adam could feel his chest constricting tighter than ever before.

 

“We can’t do this right now,” Benji said. “If people found out, my career, hell, your career too, they’d be over before they even start.”

 

Adam’s eyes dropped to the floor as Benji kept talking, but it was all white noise. He couldn’t believe this was happening, couldn’t believe that this man in front of him was his Benjamin, the Benjamin he had been waiting to meet ever since the name came in when he was just thirteen.

 

“You didn’t do this for us,” he said slowly and watched Benji’s gaze snap to him and look like he had just been shot with those words that fell from Adam’s lips.

 

“What?”

 

“You…you did this for you,” and as Adam kept speaking, his words got louder, got angrier. “You didn’t think about what I wanted. You don’t get to make these decisions when we’re both involved!”

 

“How can you say that?” Benji asked, a hurt expression flashed on his face, and Adam was almost glad that it was there. He wanted Benji to hurt like he was. “I did what was best for us—“

 

“You did what was best for you!” Adam shouted finally, not wanting to hear this anymore. He wouldn’t let Benji speak for him again. “You didn’t think that maybe I needed you in these last two years.”

 

The pained expression was back on Benji’s face and his eyes made him look hurt.

 

“Adam—“

 

But Adam shook his head.

 

“Shut the fuck up,” he seethed out between clenched teeth. “I can’t look at you anymore.”

 

And he stormed out right then and there because he didn’t want to let himself cry in front of Benji, he didn’t deserve to see Adam like that. He slammed the door violently behind him on the way out and down the hall into his own room.

 

Once the door shut behind him, Adam slid down the door until his forehead was pressed against his knees as he drew in ragged breaths and his vision blurred with tears.

 

This wasn’t how he wanted to meet his Benjamin.

 

His Benjamin didn’t even want him.

 

When that thought goes through his head, Adam lets out a choked laugh of a sob, because of course this would happen.

 

Suddenly, he wanted to move out of the house, but there was no way he could afford that. He wished his brothers were here, so he could move in with them, and maybe things would go back to the way they used to.

 

He couldn’t afford to move out, but Benji could, and he did within a month.

 

The two of them didn’t talk anymore, not that they spoke regularly anyway.

 

 (Maybe they would have if Adam knew earlier, if Benji hadn’t decided to shut him out two years ago.)

 

They didn’t even speak on the ice and if the team noticed, they didn’t say anything. They still played the way they have in the last four years, because they never needed to speak to do that. But every time he looked at Benji, his chest just hurt and he wanted to crumble.

 

He hated him all over again, but there were more reasons this time.

 

He hated that he’s the one hurting and Benji didn’t even look phased by it all. He hated that he didn’t even matter to Benji. Most of all, he hated Benji for doing this to them, for ruining them before they even started.

 

* * *

 

Adam felt numb for the majority of his senior year. (A majority of it because every time he saw Benji he was in pain and he couldn’t figure out how to ignore that yet.) He finished his thesis and passed his finals in a way that felt robotic.

 

The Terriers didn’t even make it to the Frozen Four, they were knocked out too early because they put a freshman in goal against Cornell when Rory was out with a concussion. It wasn’t his fault though.

 

Adam knew he wasn’t scoring as much as he normally did, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. His passes weren’t connecting with anyone, and he felt alone on the line. His stats were still high though, and that was enough for him.

 

When his family came for graduation, his mother pinched his cheeks after the ceremony and she cried. He just smiled and hugged her, beaming over at his brothers who were still obnoxiously cheering for him.

 

From the corner of his eye, he could see Nicky and Kate quietly holding hands, both of their cheeks flushed darkly.

 

Everything felt normal for the moment, and Adam let himself feel good. There was a tap on his shoulder though by the time he’s released his mom from his arms, and Adam turned around to see Isaac Joshi.

 

Adam was hardly a fan of baseball, but he knew his face when he saw it.

 

“Good job this season,” Mr. Joshi told him, giving Adam a slow handshake.

 

“Thank you,” he said slowly, and it all felt a bit surreal. He towered over the man by a good five inches, but part of Adam was scared of him. “Benji had a good season too,” and the words tasted like iron in his mouth.

 

“He did,” Mr. Joshi agreed, nodding and he looked back over his shoulder. Adam followed his gaze to see Benji and his mother focused on each other. Benji looked up at that moment though, but Adam didn’t flinch his gaze away.

 

He managed a tight lipped smile, but Benji didn’t return it.

 

“It was nice to meet you,” Mr. Joshi said as he turned away to return to his family. Adam only nodded.

 

Part of him wondered if he knew about the name his son had on his wrist, if he knew that it was Adam’s slanted, messy handwriting. But then again, Adam hadn’t even seen it for himself yet.

 

* * *

 

That afternoon, Benji stopped by the house to say goodbye to the rest of the team. He let himself into Adam’s room as Adam was changing for dinner with his family.

 

The air felt charged with static as they stared at each other.

 

They crashed into each other, Adam pulling on Benji’s tie to bring him closer and Benji’s fingers tight in Adam’s hair as they kissed. Adam could feel the scrape of Benji’s teeth along his bottom lip.

 

The kiss was bruising and fueled with anger, and not at all what a first kiss between soulmates should be like.

 

“I’m gonna play for Pittsburgh,” Adam whispered against Benji’s lips, and it’s the first time he’s said anything to him in months.

 

All Benji did was whisper back that he was sorry, and that’s when reality came crashing back down on Adam because that wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He shoved Benji away from him violently.

 

“Get the fuck out,” he rasped, his voice feeling raw.

 

Benji left without a fight and closed the door behind him with a click. Once he was alone, Adam ran his hands through his hair and he crumbled at his middle and just choked out a sob.

 

He cried his eyes out, choking on the tears in a messy way that nearly suffocated him. He couldn’t breathe, and everything just hurt. He felt so broken and helpless and pathetic.

 

And he just hoped that Benji could feel some of it too.

 

* * *

 

 

He was late meeting his family at the restaurant, and he knows his eyes are bloodshot from crying as he helps his dad pick out the wine in low whispers in Czech.

 

“ _That boy at graduation_ ,” his mom eventually whispered to him, her eyes looking hardened like steel. “ _Was he your Benjamin_?”

 

“ _I don’t think I’m his Adam_ ,” he whispered back, and tried not to let himself get emotional again because Benji wasn’t worth it at this point. His mom let out a dissatisfied hum.

 

“ _Maybe it’s not a strong name after all_.”

 

Adam hated himself for agreeing.

 

* * *

 

 

Adam moved to Pittsburgh shortly after graduation, and the new city helped him breathe a little more easily. Just knowing that Benji wasn’t there made it easier. He went to the offseason practices and learned to love the Pens just like he learned to love the Terriers.

 

This time there wasn’t a Benji Joshi on the team.

 

There was a Benji Joshi in the headlines though as everyone speculated what team he was going to sign with. It’s a relentless shit storm of press, and in interviews where Benji is badgered about his decision, Adam could see the tenseness in his shoulders.

 

Part of him hoped that Benji was doing alright with all of the press coverage. Part of him wanted to call and ask if he was okay.

 

But then he remembered that he shouldn’t care and tells himself that he doesn’t.

 

When Benji chose the Bruins, Adam didn’t even need to read any headlines because everyone on the Pens were talking about it. A couple of the guys asked him about Benji, and all of Adam’s responses were clipped.

 

Part of him wondered if the Pens had even tried to get Benji, and if they did, if Benji even considered it. He told himself that they didn’t try, that they didn’t have any cap space because he didn’t want to think that Benji turned it down because of him.

 

* * *

 

Adam hated himself for it, but he followed the Bruins on the NHL app and stared at the notifications when Benji’s name showed up. He hated himself for watching the games when he could.

 

The rest of the team chirped him for it on the bus if he was watching the game on his phone during a roadie.

 

“Is it because you miss Boston?” Fleury would tease him and he rolled his eyes.

 

“I like Pittsburgh better,” he’d allow himself to say.

 

In some press junket right after a game, an interviewer brings it up because Adam was technically a rookie and they were still all trying to learn about him.

 

“Adam, is it true that you’re a Bruins fan?” the man asked with an easy smile on his lips, and Adam knew that it was meant to be something light for banter.

 

“Fuck the Bruins,” he immediately shot back, his eyes icy and his expression stoic.

 

That night, the interview went viral on the internet and someone on the team told him it got made into a gif. Adam didn’t care though, he just really hated the Bruins.

 

* * *

 

His first season with the Pens hadn’t even started when Adam started therapy. It was an easy decision to make when Adam realized being caught by the team manager in the bathrooms after practices mid-panic attack wasn’t normal.

 

His therapist’s name is Barbara, and she’s patient with him during their first few sessions. She’s quick to identify his anger issues, quick to figure out that they run deeper.

 

It took him weeks to be able to talk about Benji, but whenever he did, he got overwhelmed and would clamp his jaw shut. The best thing about Barbara was that she didn’t pry, just waited him to be able to speak again.

 

One day he told her that he didn’t have to right words to encapsulate his feelings in English.

 

“You can always speak to me in Czech, if you like,” she said calmly with an easy smile. “I won’t understand, but it would be good for you to at least say it out loud.”

 

He figured that made sense.

 

It took him a while to ease into the idea of it though, but once he did, the Czech flowed when he was feeling particularly upset and lost. It helped him get the frustration out.

 

One session, he told her that he was feeling lonely. That even though he was surrounded by his teammates all of the time, he still felt isolated. She encouraged him to talk to more of the rookies, because technically he was one too, and he eased into friendships with his team.

 

“You might want to consider getting an animal,” Barbara told him one day. “They might not be able to speak, but they would understand you and be a good companion.”

 

Within the week, Adam found himself in the living room of some house with puppies crawling all over him. It was all a bit overwhelming, and he didn’t know quite what was happening or how to choose for that matter.

 

But one of the puppies planted herself right in his lap and refused to move. He figured that must be a good sign, and that’s how he chose Lyla.

 

Lyla quickly became his best friend. He spoke to her in Czech and took her everywhere he could. When he spoke to her, she would often just reply in little howls and barks like most huskies were known to, even if she was still just a ball of fluff.

 

When he’s in Pittsburgh and Lyla is curled up against his side, he mindlessly played with her fur and told himself that this was enough. That this is all he needed to be happy.

 

* * *

 

Unlike most of his teammates or any other players in the NHL, Adam didn’t have a very big social media presence until he got Lyla.

 

His Instagram quickly filled with pictures of her as a puppy, pictures of them together, and the occasional video of them playing.

 

Their most popular video is one with Adam asking her, “ _Do you want to dance_?” And Lyla would just howl in response and her feet would patter against the hardwood as Adam just kept repeating his question until Lyla chased him around the apartment.

 

(Someone translates him in the comments, and there are a lot of comments calling the video “pure” and Adam doesn’t quite know what to think about it.)

 

He meets a lot of Pens fans after he gets Lyla and they go on their walks. Adam was still fairly new to the league and wasn’t recognized too often, but Lyla just helped him get recognized every time he went out.

 

There were a lot of selfies with him, Lyla, and a random Pens fan he would meet on the street. The PR team is just ecstatic that he looks genuinely happy in the photos.

 

People in his comments constantly talk about how they look alike, and he guessed that they did with Lyla’s black and white fur and their brown eyes. It becomes a game after that for Adam, he just tried to match Lyla’s facial expressions in their photos together and the fans love it.

 

All Adam really knew was that he felt pretty happy now, with Lyla, and with a team that cared about him.

 

When his and his brothers’ birthday rolled around, he invited all of the family to Pittsburgh. Blazej and Faye make the journey from Edmonton with newborn Lucas in tow. Erik still hasn’t met Natalia, but he’s out in Los Angeles and ends up Skyping them for most of the evening instead.

 

His parents travel from Montreal after they finally accepted Adam’s tickets. Most of the evening was spent eating Faye’s incredible food and drinking wine. Adam kept Lucas in his lap for most of the evening, much to Lyla’s dismay.

 

But Faye insisted on taking a picture of Adam with Lucas and Lyla for his instagram, and he was smiling so hard in the photo that his cheeks hurt and he had some stupid party hat on.

 

But god, he was so happy.

 

* * *

 

Adam had been dreading playing against the Bruins from the moment that Benji signed with them. But he felt so ready for it. If it was four months ago, Adam wouldn’t have been. Therapy the last few weeks had been extremely Benji-centric, so Adam was more than ready to face him on the ice.

 

He wasn’t in the first line, but by the time he got on the ice, there was a face off and Sidney shoved him towards it.

 

“Go get ‘em,” he said with a grin.

 

When Adam got into position, he allowed his gaze to go up and meet Benji’s. He saw alarm flash in Benji’s eyes, but Adam kept his expression stoic.

 

He won the face off. And when he skated back to the bench later in the period, he felt like he won something else too.

 

Adam played the game of his life that night. He set up Sidney for two points, and even scored himself.

 

They shut the Bruins out, and it was one of the most satisfying moments of Adam’s year. He refused to do any press that night, he was too emotionally drained at the end of the night. He just wanted to go home and curl up with Lyla and watch some dumb cartoons until he passed out.

 

The rest of the team was buzzing with energy and went out to celebrate, but they didn’t bag on Adam when he opted to stay in. They knew him and his mental health at this point.

 

Geno messed up his hair as he left the locker room and left the arena. Even though he was exhausted, he felt pretty proud of himself.

 

That night, gif sets of his assists and goal were all over social media with the gif of him saying “Fuck the Bruins” earlier that year. He even got an NHL article about him, about how much fire he brought against the Bruins that was unlike any game that the Pens had against the Bruins in years.

 

They suspected that it was a personal vendetta, that he and Benji were rivals from playing together at college.

 

If only it was just that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He should have expected the phone call. He should have known. But he was back at home, changed, showered, and had Lyla’s head in his lap when the call came in.

 

He stared at the caller ID for a long moment before he picked up.

 

“Adam?” he heard from the other side, and he felt his shoulders tense up.

 

“Yeah?” he breathed out, his fingers tightening in Lyla’s longer fur, but he pulled his hand away in case he would accidentally hurt her.

 

“I know… this is selfish. I know I did this, but… I miss you.”

 

Adam squeezed his eyes shut at that, and something in his chest felt like it was shattering. A few months ago, he would have loved to have gotten this phone call so they could start over, so they could be soulmates.

 

But that was childish and naïve and Adam wouldn’t let himself be either of those things now.

 

He didn’t even want to see Benji.

 

“Adam?”

 

He still didn’t reply. He wanted to scream about how he figured his shit out and how he was finally better now. That he didn’t need Benji anymore, but as always, the Czech stayed locked in his throat and he stayed silent.

 

“Adam, please.”

 

“I thought this is how you wanted it,” he said slowly.

 

This time, it was Benji who fell silent.

 

“I thought it was too.”

 

And Adam wanted to throw his phone at the wall, because this wasn’t fair.

 

“So you’re gonna make the decision for the two of us?” The venom bled into his voice without him even meaning for it to, but god, he was still so angry with Benji. There was still a part of him that hated him.

 

“I shouldn’t be making any decisions anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

 

Benji’s voice sounded small and defeated through the phone, and part of Adam felt smug because maybe he was hurting like Adam had ever since Adam showed Benji his mark.

 

But despite all of that anger buried in his chest, Adam still wanted his Benjamin. He knew he couldn’t have him now, but maybe in the future. He’d like for them to work out in the future.

 

He knew the ball was in his court from the way Benji sounded, so he sighed. And he made the decisions.

 

“Have you seen the city yet?” he asked with a sigh finally, only to get a sputtering no in response. “Alright. Grab a coat and send me your hotel.” He ended the call with that.

 

He sat there, staring at the wall from the couch and realized just what he did and a panic began to set in because he wasn’t ready to talk to Benji yet. Sure, he was ready to at least see him. But anything beyond that felt like way too much.

 

He looked down to see Lyla staring at him with the most concerned expression. He let himself sigh again and pull his shoes on. “ _C’mon, let’s go_ ,” he sighed, and Lyla jumped up from her spot on the couch to stand by the door and wait for Adam patiently.

 

He pulled on his own and hooked the leash onto Lyla’s counter to go out the door of his apartment. Lyla’s presence at his side during the walk to the hotel was constant and comforting.

 

When they reached the hotel, he saw Benji already standing outside. His cheeks were bitten red from the cold and his hands were buried deep into his jacket’s pockets as Adam walked up.

 

Benji must have heard the jingle from Lyla’s collar, because his gaze snapped over and locked with Adam’s. That’s when Adam stopped walking, just to hold the eye contact while still maintaining his distance.

 

Despite knowing Benji for four years in college, Adam had never seen Benji like this before. He looked so… distressed and lost, and part of Adam just wanted to help him. But he knew that he didn’t deserve to do that to himself yet.

 

“Let’s go. I’ll show you the city,” Adam said carefully and turned away quickly to start walking again with Lyla right on his heels. He could hear Benji jog up to make it to his side, but Adam just kept his eyes forward and wouldn’t let himself even glance at Benji.

 

This was all he could offer Benji right now after everything that had happened. A walk with his dog in a cold city after a hard loss wasn’t much to offer, but it was all Adam could do.

 

He wasn’t ready to talk to Benji yet. So this would have to do.

 

By the time they got back to Benji’s hotel, Adam is practically holding Lyla in case she has tired herself out too much and just won’t give up. And Benji wass standing there, staring at Adam as if he was waiting for something.

 

“What now?” Benji asked in a small voice.

 

“I’ll text you?”

 

“I’ll text back.”

 

“Okay. Good night.”

 

“It was nice seeing you, Adam.”

 

“Good night.”

 

* * *

 

They didn’t text for a while though because Benji could never initiate anything and because Adam didn’t know what to say. (There was still a part of him that didn’t want to speak to Benji at all, but he needed to do this if he wanted to have a shot at having a soulmate.)

 

So, Adam did what he did best.

 

He sent Benji pictures of Lyla. Pictures of her curled up against his side, holding her leash in her mouth, basking in the sun... At first, they didn’t even have captions from Adam.

 

It wasn’t exactly “talking” yet, and Benji didn’t have a lot to work with. Most of his responses were one worded compliments for Lyla, and that was fine with Adam. Part of him just wanted to send long messages in Czech to Benji, and he wrote them at night, typed them out, and just stared at his mother tongue until he deleted it all.

 

After months of pointless texting, Adam knew that if he wanted anything out of this, that he had to be the initiator.

 

So, one night, he just sent a quick “good game” after the Bruins beat the Flyers. Things warm up after that, there’s small talk and strategy discussed in passing.

 

Thankfully, the Penguins don’t have to face the Bruins to win the Eastern Conference to qualify for Stanley Cup finals. If they had to… Adam knew that he couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t be able to face Benji again and have a good game, not at this stage.

 

* * *

 

They win the cup and everything felt so surreal. The entire team dogpiled together and were tugging on each other’s visors while they celebrated on the ice.

 

Adam could feel his cheeks aching by the time they got off the ice, but he was practically buzzing by the time they got back to the locker room to get their things.

 

When he checked his phone, there’s a flood of texts clogging up his notifications, but there was only one from Benji.

 

**Call me when you can.**

It was late on the East Coast, but Adam hit call and pressed his phone to his ear.

 

“ _Hello_?”

 

Adam closed his eyes when he heard Benji on the other end of the line, just taking a deep breath. Benji’s voice wasn’t groggy with sleep though.

 

“You said to call,” Adam said carefully, and his own voice felt like it caught on his words.

 

“ _Adam_ ,” Benji said, his voice… soft. Something Adam hadn’t heard from him before. “ _You won the Stanley Cup_.”

 

“Yeah,” and Adam let out a shaky bit of laughter. “We did.”

 

“ _I… Can I take you out for dinner? When you get back to Pittsburgh? To celebrate_.”

 

Adam felt frozen in place. His ears were ringing more now than they were with the entire team screaming in his ear with the horn going off in the rink.

 

“Yeah,” he heard himself breathe out. “I’d… I’d like that.”

 

 

* * *

 

When Adam got back to Pittsburgh, after finally shaving that playoff beard and with a hangover, he found Benji standing right outside of his apartment. He blinked in disbelief, glancing around, thinking that he was hallucinating.

 

“How long have you been here?” he asked in shock but still dug his keys out to let them both into his apartment. All he got in response was a shrug.

 

Benji followed behind him in silence, and that’s when Adam realized this was the first time that Benji has been inside the space, the first time that Benji has been in his life since college.

 

“Where’s your dog?”

 

“She’s… somewhere,” Adam said mindlessly. “Probably asleep.”  Then, when he dropped his gear to the floor with a thud and closed the door behind him, he could hear her paws on the hardwood floor as she barreled out of his room and straight into him.

 

He dropped the floor, practically wrapping himself around Lyla and burying his face in her fur as she let out little strings of barking and licked at his face.

 

When he tore his head away and looked back up at Benji, he could see something in his gaze that he couldn’t place.

 

“Are you staying here?” Adam asked eventually, nodding at the bag that Benji had with him. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as his tired mind attempted to figure out what was going on exactly.

 

“Dinner,” Benji said lamely, and Adam just blinked.

 

“But it’s late,” he said slowly. And Benji turned away, running his hand through his hair, and whispering something that Adam couldn’t catch.

 

“Shit, yeah, you’re right, I’m just – I’m gonna go, okay?” Benji then turned on his heel, going straight for the door and Adam frowned.

 

“You can stay here,” he said, his voice louder this time, and he just watched Benji freeze. “I have an extra bedroom. I’m probably going to pass out soon. You… you can stay here if you like.”

 

Benji’s shoulders were still tense when he turned around to look at Adam, uncertainty written all over his face. But he nodded anyway, and that’s all that mattered.

 

(Adam fell asleep on the couch with Lyla curled up at his side and the television’s faint glow cast all over the room. He didn’t notice Benji turning it off and covering him with a sweatshirt.)

 

* * *

 

The next day they move around each other in cautious orbit. Adam was up first to feed Lyla and take her on an early morning run despite only getting a few hours of sleep. He didn’t look for Benji before he left, but when he got back, there was an equally as sweaty Benji sitting outside of his door yet again.

 

“You still run?” Benji asked him in surprise and Adam shrugged it off, pointing at Lyla who was panting at his side.

 

“She needs it,” he said with a small smile and he swore he heard Benji snort when he unlocked the door.

 

Reluctantly, Adam left Lyla with Benji when he went off to do some PR. It was a dizzying day of interviews and meeting with management to discuss a longer term contract.

 

It was almost enough to distract Adam from the looming dinner with Benji.

 

Almost.

 

He went straight from press to the restaurant where Benji was waiting, and immediately felt underdressed. This wasn’t a type of place that Adam would thrive in, but then he figured Benji spent most of his life in these type of fancy dining rooms.

 

Adam walked up to the table slowly and sat across from Benji who had this look in his eyes that Adam still couldn’t read.

 

“How was Lyla?” Adam found himself asking dumbly. Here was his soulmate, the person who he despised more than he liked, and he didn’t even know what to say.

 

“She was good,” Benji offered and they looked at menus in silence.

 

Adam’s gaze would flicker up over his menu at Benji, squinting in his direction ever so slightly, as if he was expecting Benji to just… vanish.

 

He let Benji choose the wine, and when Benji raised his glass and said, “To Lord Stanley,” Adam snorted into his glass and could see something brighten in Benji’s eyes from across the table.

 

They talked throughout the meal, but it was staggered out and awkward. But they were definitely trying.

 

(“How are you?” 

 

“Good.”

 

“You seem calmer.”

 

“Therapy does that to a guy.”)

 

It wasn’t until Benji asked him if he’s dated anyone before.

 

“No,” Adam said slowly, staring at Benji with a level of wariness that had Benji sitting up straighter. “Why?”

 

“I… I was just wondering.”

 

“I just never wanted to date anyone,” Adam said, watching as he pushed his own food around with his fork. “But you have, yes? Kate?”

 

He just watched as Benji practically choked on air.

 

“No, uh… she was a beard, you know?”

 

Adam stared at him carefully, raising an eyebrow. “A beard?” he echoed, but he just shook his head when he watched Benji open his mouth in an attempt to explain for him. He didn’t want to know. No was enough of an answer for him.

 

Benji cleared his throat, his eyes steady on his wine.

 

“So, you’re going to stay in Pittsburgh for a while?”

 

Adam just nodded. “Working on a contract.”

 

“Yeah, I’ve met a few of them. They seem like good guys.”

 

“They are,” Adam agreed with a hum. “No need for beards, except during playoffs.” He looked up at Benji to watch him smile as he took a sip of his wine, shaking his head with a silent laugh.

 

“Except during playoffs,” he echoed with a bit of laughter that had warmth blooming in Adam’s chest.

 

Talking got easier after that.

 

* * *

 

They walked back to Adam’s apartment together and Adam let himself walk closer Benji on the way back, telling himself that it was just for the warmth even though he would find himself looking up at him cautiously.

 

“What?” Benji asked, an amused look on his face and Adam froze. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

 

“I, uh…” Adam said, standing there dumbfounded before the French fell from his lips. “ _I keep thinking you will disappear._ ” His words carried weight, and Benji tensed up beside him.

 

“Would you care if I left?” Benji asked, still in English, and Adam looked up at him in shock.

 

“ _I’ve missed you_ ,” Adam said, his eyebrows furrowing together. “ _I’ve missed you since you started ignoring me back in college. I just… I want what we will be like in the future_.”

 

“ _What about us now_?” Benji mumbled, his eyes cast downward as he finally shifted to match Adam’s French.

 

“ _We’re strangers now_ ,” Adam countered defiantly, frowning at the idea of it all. “ _I want what we can be, because there’s a reason I have your name on my wrist. I want to fall in love with you_.”

 

The way Benji flinched when Adam said that had made it seem like Adam had punched him.

 

“ _I don’t deserve it_ ,” Benji whispered out, his words barely audible.

 

“ _Maybe not yet_ ,” Adam said cautiously, and he stepped closer to Benji, stepped into his space until they were nearly nose to nose. “ _But I do_.”

 

Benji let out a noise that sounded so close to a sob that it shattered something in Adam’s chest. His expression softened and he just reached forward to cup Benji’s cheek.

 

“ _I deserve this_ ,” Adam breathed out before gently pressing his lips to Benji’s.

 

It wasn’t violent like their first kiss back in college. It wasn’t something brilliant with sparks.

 

But it was warm, and gentle. It was everything that their first kiss should have been. Part of Adam knew that this was their first kiss as soulmates.

 

* * *

 

All it took to convince Benji to spend the summer with him was for Adam to ask.

 

(It actually took Adam asking a few times with his lips pressed to the skin of Benji’s neck when they just laid next to each other in Adam’s apartment.)

 

They made the long drive up to Quebec and out of the city to the one thing that Adam had splurged on with his new NHL paycheck: a small cabin in the backwoods of Quebec that sat perfectly on a lake.

 

It was there that Adam and Benji got to know each other in the silence that surrounded them.

 

“You’re a lot quieter now. Quieter than you were in college,” Benji told him while they were laying out on the porch of the cabin.

 

“English is not worth it. Good enough for hockey though,” Adam mumbled, stretching under the sun and covering his eyes with his forearm.

 

“What about French?”

 

“It’s easier,” he shrugged.

 

“What’s easier than French?” Benji asked, and Adam wanted to laugh at the question.

 

“Czech,” he said simply, lowering his arm to squint up at Benji with an easy smile on his lips. Part of him wanted to tell Benji that he still thought in Czech, that he was more of himself in Czech.

 

That he spoke to everyone he loved in Czech, Lyla included.

 

“Teach me?” Benji was leaning over Adam now, shading him from the sun with a fond smile on his lips and Adam just laughed.

 

“No, you can’t even pronounce my last name right,” he teased, and when Benji gaped at him in offense, Adam just reached up to tug him down and kiss him while smiling. He made it too easy.

 

And if at night Adam whispered mindless things to Benji in Czech before he fell asleep, no one had to know.

 

 

* * *

 

 

They were at the cabin when one evening, Adam pressing his shoulder against Benji’s as he watched the sun set and the lake mirrored back its brilliant colors.

 

“I don’t think I could have loved you back then,” Benji said suddenly and Adam just frowned, turning to look at him in confusion. “Back in college, I mean. I don’t think I could have loved you.”

 

Adam just hummed at that, slowly nodding and not saying anything. He watched as Lyla ran along the shoreline of the lake happily. But then Benji nudged him again.

 

“Say something,” he almost pleaded.

 

“I know,” Adam settled on eventually, shifting slightly to see a shocked expression bloom onto Benji’s face.

 

“You knew?” he repeated slowly. Benji had gotten good at repeating himself that summer, was quick to figure out that if he wanted more from Adam, wanted more emotion, more reasoning, more Adam that he had to repeat himself. He had to coax the words out of Adam, give him more time to think and offer up his thoughts in a language that he still dreaded.

 

“I wasn’t what you needed back then,” he said carefully, watching as Benji raised an eyebrow at him skeptically. “We would have ended worse in college if we tried to date, I think.”

 

Benji flinched at that, but he let out a long breath.

 

“You’re what I need now.” Benji’s words were so quiet that Adam could barely hear them, but he just smiled and leaned against Benji’s shoulder.

 

“ _Am I what you deserve?”_ he challenged, raising an eyebrow as he shifted the languages without a second thought.

 

Benji still couldn’t seem to answer that, but Adam never pushed him to that summer.

 

He knew Benji deserved him, and that was enough for now.

 

* * *

 

 

One night, Benji whispered horrors against Adam’s bare skin that had him tensed up with his eyes wide. He whispered about pills, death, and fear. And it was dizzying for Adam.

 

Even though it was dark in the bedroom, Adam could still see the reflection of tears on Adam’s cheeks from the moonlight filtering through the window, and he pressed Benji back onto the bed, shaking his head furiously.

 

Something inside him just ached, and his lips ghosted over Benji’s wrist, over his own name as he stared up at Benji fiercely through the dark.

 

“You are enough,” Adam told him lowly, his voice low and serious as he pressed the kiss over his name and watched Benji shudder in response.

 

Adam kept repeating the words, pressing kisses all over Benji as he shook under him. He wiped at his tears and just kept repeating the words. They were like a prayer now.

 

He knew all those white pills and sterile hospital rooms were in the past, that Benji was here with him now.  But he knew that could all change in a blink of an eye, and that it didn’t matter how much Adam’s chest swelled when he saw Benji waking up in the morning, or how his mind felt at ease with the simplest touches from Benji.

 

It didn’t matter how much Adam loved Benji.

 

Benji had to be enough for himself, and Adam just had to show him how good he really was, and then he just had to hope that Benji could see it too.

 

He could feel his own breathing starting to shudder as his throat felt like it was closing up. Benji’s touch was hot against his cheek as he leaned up, pressing his forehead against Adam’s.

 

Adam clenched his eyes shut as he whispered out, “Please. Don’t leave me behind.”

 

“Never,” was all Benji breathed out.

 

And Adam had to let that be enough of a promise to make him believe that he would keep it. 

**Author's Note:**

> catch me in hockey hell at kparsekpop.tumblr.com and feel free to message me about oc's as well! i want to hear all about them
> 
> also i'm hoping to do an original works big bang because why not


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